young lad was visiting a church for the first time,
checking all the announcements and posters along the
walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in
uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those
men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those
are our boys who died in the service." Dumbfounded,
the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or
evening service?" (by Lonnie Selstad, Tracy, CA as submitted
fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons
Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden
of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam
replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out
of house and home."
be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,"
announced the pastor. After the close of the service,
the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for
the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their
midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their
church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you
understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes,"
said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about
as bored as you can get!"
Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I
know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a
ticket from the dry
cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon. (Mark
Brown, "Comedy Comes Clean")
A young girl once confessed to her priest that she thought
she was guilty of the sin of pride. She said, "When
I look in the mirror, I think I am beautiful." The priest
said, "That's not a sin, that's a mistake." (Rev. James
Whitcomb Brougher, Sr.)
Some people say, "I go to church, so I am a Christian."
But that's like saying if you go to McDonald's you are
a Quarter Pounder. (Adam Christing)
They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call
up and it rings and rings but nobody answers. (Tommy
himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac
one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has
on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."
Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad,
I don't think your computer has enough memory."
Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide
10 Ways of Knowing You've Joined the Wrong Church"
The Pastor refers to God only as "Jehovah"
and constantly exhorts the congregation to "witness"
members are required to submit W-2's for the last
regularly attends meeting at Las Vegas and Atlantic
media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".
You discover the church refers
to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions.
The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.
4. The chancel cross
has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.
Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies
and the elders want to make them
part of the doctrinal statement.
2. The New Member's
kit includes a Bible, church-by-laws, and an
1. The Pastoral Search
Committee announces that they discovered a problem
with their one good candidate-she's divorced. Marko
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds,
there is a woman giving
birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson
I know that there are people in this world who do not
love their fellow man, and I hate
people like that! --Tom Lehrer
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking,
and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie
Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals
of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.
you can go to a gas station and find the cash register
open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet
paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop
The reason there are two senators for each state is
so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters
is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage
of your life in which you will be happy to hear that
the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan
to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want
you all to read
Mark 17." The following weekend, as he prepared to deliver
his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled
and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from
an evening of religious service when she was startled
by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop
- Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar
stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called
the police and explained what she had done. As the officer
cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did
was yell a scripture to you." Scripture?" replied the
burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman
who had just passed away. At the end of the Service,
the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They
hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten
more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at
the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the
pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they
are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR
Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have
married and she didn't have to hear about how well his
Heavenly Rates: A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course,
St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says,
"Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it
into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've
done, and I give you a certain number of points for
each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach
100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman
for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all
my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup
kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only
way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!" "Come
It seems a cowboy from Colorado skipped church one day
to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the
corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The cowboy
stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail and began
tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit.
Finally the cowboy crashed into a boulder, sending his
rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the
bear closed in, the cowboy cried out in desperation,
"Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive
me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown
down on the bear. The bear skidded to a halt at the
cowboy's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together
and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to
At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell
the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all
to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember
that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my
first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night.
The speaker was a missionary who told about his work.
I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either
give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that
moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe
that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am
a rich man today." He finished and there was an awed
silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat.
As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same
pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you do it again."
An uncle who could not make it to his niece's wedding
instead sent her a telegram saying that she should read
1 John 4v18 which is about perfect love. Unfortunately
and the 1 in 1 John had been missed off the page and
when it arrived the service had just started. The best
man was given it and he quickly looked up the passage
and book marked it. When it came to his speech later
at the reception he announced that the telegram had
arrived and he was now going to read out a special message
to the bride. He then read John 4v18 saying, "This woman
has had 5 husbands and the man she is with now is not
Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very
rich man prayed until the Lord gave in. There was one
condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth.
The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.
The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted
him, but told him he could not bring his suitcase. "Oh,
but I have an agreement with God," the man explained.
unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?" The
man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.
St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring
The pastor's young daughter asked her father why he
always stopped at the pulpit and closed his eyes for
a moment before he began to preach. The pastor told
his daughter that he was saying a silent prayer and
asking God to help him deliver a good sermon. The young
girl thought for a minute and then asked her father,
"Dad, how come He doesn't do it?"